How to talk sports in Seattle, and beyond, when you don't know ball

It might happen during holiday gatherings. Perhaps it will happen amid office chit chat. Inevitably, sports conversations happen, even if you have no interest in, or a clue about, the world of sports.

But as my KUOW colleague Paige Browning told me, there is value in knowing how to navigate sports talk, especially around the holidays.

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"I find sports to be a safe topic to bring up," she said. "You're not talking about politics, you're not talking about who is in the White House, who won the mayoral race, you're not talking about religion, or arguing over fossil fuels ... maybe you can kind of get into it with ... the uncle of course, but in general you're talking about entertainment. It's just for fun. So, it's kind of safe."

This article comes from "Meet Me Here", KUOW's arts podcast. Host Dyer Oxley discusses how to talk sports in Seattle, and beyond, with newscaster Paige Browning and local sports fan Danny Ball. Listen below.

It's not that I am completely ignorant about sports. I essentially know how baseball is played, or the difference between 2- and 3-pointers in basketball, and I know how many homeruns it takes to win a football game. Yet, the most excited I've been during a sports event was when a friend said something about a "hat trick" and I mistakenly thought there was going to be a magic show.

One of my favorite episodes of the sitcom "The IT Crowd" (if you haven't watched this show, your life is incomplete) is when the two main geeks, Roy and Moss, find a guide for talking about sports. Using it, they navigate through simple interactions with ... normal people. I always wanted such a guide for myself.

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That's what brought me to Paige Browning and Danny Ball for a conversation on "Meet Me Here." Paige is a newscaster at KUOW and I've noticed that when the office is talking sports, she's usually at the head of the conversation. Danny runs marketing for Simply Seattle, a merch shop with a lot of local sports fandom. He also hosts the Iconic Sonics podcast, which is dedicated to the much-loved NBA team that Seattle lost in 2008 (you're really a fan if you're podcasting about a team that hasn't been around for nearly two decades). Between these two sports aficionados, we came up with a guide for camouflaging yourself among sports conversations, including Danny's very own "BALL Method."

How to talk Seattle sports

The Mariners: Complain about management. This tip came from a coworker who tried this out at KUOW when the Mariners came up in conversation. She disparaged the team's management, and everybody agreed and moved along unaware that she didn't know why management is a thing. So when in doubt, complain about the Mariners' management.

Complain about the refs or specific plays: Try calling out "holding" after a tackle in a football game (but make sure your favored team is playing defense at the time). For basketball, call out "foul." It doesn't matter if it actually happened.

Headlines: There are often recent news stories that have nothing to do with actual sports. For example, Etsy witches were all the rage during the Mariners' last season because a fan paid such a witch to make them win. The story went viral. In this case, you could bring up the Wall Street Journal or the Seattle Now coverage of Etsy witches. You could also bring up Carl Sagan’s “Demon Haunted World” which sadly predicted such things, prompting one to ponder over “our critical faculties in decline, unable to distinguish between what feels good and what's true, we slide, almost without noticing, back into superstition and darkness.” OK, maybe don’t do the last one. But the "Seattle Now" feature on this was pretty great. The main point is that there are often sports-adjacent topics out there, such as Taylor Swift dating a football player, or basketball coaches allegedly taking part in mob-involved poker games.

The BALL Method

With the last name "Ball," it's quite convenient for Danny Ball to talk sports and to further come up with sports acronyms. He has one just for making sports chit chat, which he calls "The BALL Method" of sports talk.

B: Big shifts. If folks in the room are getting noisy, that indicates something is happening. Basically, read the room. You don't have to know what's going on. This is when you can break out this comment: "That's a big momentum shift right there." Sports fans will get it and may be prompted to comment.

A: Agree or argue vaguely. When a sports fan is talking, just say, “I don’t agree with that,” prompting them to argue their point. Ball says that it’s unlikely they will challenge you too much on this, and are more apt to get into their passionate opinion. Or you can just say you agree followed by, "But why do you say that?"

L: Local. This is about being aware of local teams and big players, but it also goes back to knowing recent headlines. Have them in your pocket should you need to pull them out. For example, Seattle is about to get a professional women’s hockey team. Do sports fans think it will be successful? Are we going to need another stadium as more teams come along? Also, did you hear there is a backyard fight club in Gig Harbor?

L: Legends. Sue Bird. Lenny Wilkens. Ken Griffey Jr. LeBron James. You don’t have to know much beyond the name, sport, or why they matter. Then you can throw them out there. Maybe make up a question like, “What would Ken Griffey Jr. do?” or “Would this game be going any different if Sue Bird were playing?” Just make sure you’re not mentioning basketball players during a football game, etc.