It’s okay to be afraid, the spotlight hurts my eyes too

Do you know what glossophobia is? You might have it. It's the fear of public speaking.

In this personal essay, RadioActive’s Josue Villalobos talks with his sisters about their shared anxieties, and how they overcome them.

[RadioActive Youth Media is KUOW’s radio journalism and audio storytelling program for young people. This story was entirely youth-produced, from the writing to the audio editing.]

I

'm afraid of public speaking.

The hundreds of eyeballs fixed on you. The lights blinding your sight. The blade of judgment dangling by a thread ready to slice you in half. Yup, that's what I'm afraid of.

One lesson during sophomore year is all we get when it comes to learning about mental health at my school. We are sent home with a pamphlet, a phone number, and with a list of common symptoms to look out for.

But it doesn't help me. I still feel alone with my anxiety.

The thought of raising my hand in class, giving a presentation, or speaking during assemblies overflows my mind with stress.

I'm not the only one. This fear runs deep throughout my whole family.

“My hands get sweaty and I get visibly red," my older sister, Jennifer, said when I asked her what her anxiety feels like. "That causes me to be more self-conscious. It makes me not want to take part in any social activities at school."

My sisters and I have a theory: we think it comes down to the fear of judgement from others.

"Having everyone's eyes on me is just super uncomfortable," my younger sister, Jessica, said.

Jennifer agreed.

"I get really nervous or I stutter," she said. "I feel like everyone is judging me, or that I'm going to embarrass myself sooner or later."

Sooner or later finally came for me.

The date was May 30, 2023: the day that I gave public speaking another try.

It was around noon and I was preparing for my speech. Though my nervous symptoms were at an all time high, I told myself that I would be okay.

I cautiously walked toward the podium. The auditorium lights were hot. I started to speak into the microphone. Fire was catching in my mouth as I spoke. I started to stutter and lost sight of the script that I relied on. I heard laughter and even someone re-making the sounds that my lisp made. I gave an awkward smile after my speech and exited the stage. I immediately felt drained of all the life and hope that I had in my body.

The day went on and I couldn't even walk correctly. There was so much that I wanted to say, but my tongue was tied. I wondered if it would ever be worth it to speak again.

Well, Jennifer, my sister, chooses to speak again. Despite the difficulty with speaking in public, she sees value in her voice.

"If we keep in our internal thoughts all the time, we are not being heard. And there will be conflict later on," Jennifer said. "So if I notice that's starting to happen I will pause, take a moment, and reassure myself."

Thinking about that speech, I still feel some embarrassment. But failing and mistakes are a part of life and should be used as learning opportunities.

I'm still scared of public speaking and will continue to be. However, now, I'm giving my voice one last try with this story.

This story was produced in a RadioActive Youth Media introductory workshop for high school-age youth. Production assistance by Brooklyn Jamerson-Flowers. Edited by Mary Heisey. Prepared for the web by Kelsey Kupferer.

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Support for KUOW's RadioActive comes from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Discovery Center and BECU.